did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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