You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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