Swine flu. Run for my life!
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
