quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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