I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
They have beer where we have blood.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
