Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
