Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
