i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
