I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
