Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
