We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
