masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
