Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize
