I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
