apparently the secret to your success is patron
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
