Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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