hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
