Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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