I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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