if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
