My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
