Tell her she can't have a vagina
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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