I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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