Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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