I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i think i just lost a toe
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
