His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
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