I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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