I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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