I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
