my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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