I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
