My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Your cock deserves a montage
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
