I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
