I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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