Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
