Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
My cat gives me a boner
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
