I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
