She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
