You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
