i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I have surprise drugs for everyone
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
