I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
