did you get engaged???
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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