the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
