The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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