Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
