paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
