never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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