i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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