2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The Olympian is in my bed
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
