You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
