The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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