need another drink. this is the easiest way
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
