I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
